Why You Should Never Explain Yourself to Women
A Lesson in Dating Dynamics
Explaining yourself often bores women and makes them lose interest.
They don't care about your logical explanations.
Flirting instead of explaining will make her more interested.
She cares about the outcome, not your reasons.
Therefore, today's lesson is clear:
Never, ever explain yourself to women.
Especially not in a boring, logical, or defensive way.
Now, let me clarify.
DOES SHE CARE ABOUT YOUR REASONS?
No, she doesn't.
Imagine you paid a roofer to fix your leaky roof, but he didn't show up for a month, causing damage. Would you care about his reasons? Probably not; you'd want a refund to hire someone else.
In dating, both men and women feel this "Did I waste my time?" emotion.
As a man, you might've felt it when a girl led you on for dates, only to say she wanted to be friends.
You might've thought, "If she'd been upfront, I wouldn't have wasted my time."
Or maybe you brought a girl home expecting a casual hookup, but she said she only does relationships. You felt misled: "Why waste my night?"
Women feel the same way.
Know when?
Firstly, notice how in those situations where women make you angry, they're explaining themselves to you, right? "Here's why I can't sleep with you," she says. "These are my reasons."
But you don't really care about her reasons.
You just feel like your time was wasted with a girl who led you on and now says she isn't interested.
Explaining yourself to someone is what you do when you tell them you can't give them what they want.
When you start explaining, all she hears is: "Hey, I can't give you what you want, I hope my explanation is good enough."
How do people react when they're told they can't have what they want?
Most people will just leave and look for someone who can give them what they want.
You might think this doesn't apply to scenarios where you explain yourself, like explaining your career choice or why your ex-girlfriend left you.
But you'd be mistaken.
In each case, explaining yourself implies that you believe you're not meeting her expectations – whether that's being a successful man in the case of your career explanation, or a desirable man regarding your ex-girlfriend.
Even if she doesn't immediately leave, explaining yourself usually doesn't improve her view of you. It often just makes things worse.
She doesn't care about your reasons because those reasons are just excuses for why you can't give her what she wants.
What matters to her – just like it does to you when someone explains themselves to you – is that you're not able to provide what she desires.
As a side note, the cultural phenomenon of women getting upset about 'mansplaining' stems from this dynamic: modern culture encourages men to treat women like they would treat other men, and when men explain things to women in the same way, it can come across as patronizing or dismissive.
She doesn't want you to explain it to her. She wants to feel understood and desired.
WHAT CONSTITUTES AN EXPLANATION
What qualifies as an explanation, anyway?
Let me illustrate with a few examples to clarify.
These are scenarios where you should avoid explaining yourself:
#1: Why You're Jobless
Her: "So, you don't have a job?"
You: "I've been searching, but it's tough to find work after being unemployed for a while."
Communication: She wants to know if you're without a job because you're pursuing something ambitious or if you're struggling to find employment. This explanation suggests the latter – that you're ineffective.
#2: Why You're Single
Her: "Why aren't you seeing anyone?"
You: "I've been dating, but haven't found someone I really connect with."
Communication: She wants to know if you're single because you're choosing to be, you're in high demand, or if there's another reason like being too picky or undesirable. This explanation hints at the latter – either too selective or not attractive enough.
#3: Why You're Alone
Her: "Are you here by yourself?"
You: "Yeah, my friends left, so now I'm alone."
Communication: She wants to understand if you're alone because you're not well-liked or for another reason. This explanation is unclear, leaving her unsure if your friends ditched you because you're unpopular or if there's another explanation.
#4: Where You're Taking Her
Her: "Where are we going?"
You: "I thought we could go back to my place for a drink."
Communication: She's unsure about where you're taking her and wants to gauge if it will be enjoyable or awkward. This explanation is too straightforward, potentially hinting that you're not being fully transparent, and it doesn't promise much fun.
In dating, avoid explanations that make you seem ineffective, undesirable, unclear, or unexciting.
Instead, focus on creating positive, confident interactions.
Anyway, those are some common questions men get and the usual responses they give.
But if you shouldn't explain yourself, how do you handle questions like these?
MAKE IT FLIRTY AND FUN
Remember, this is about seduction.
It's not about laying out all the facts and expecting her to logically decide you're the perfect match.
Even if you're the wealthiest, tallest, or most successful guy she's met, it might not be enough.
She might still want to check your bank statements and get references from your employer.
Instead, if you're seducing her, things can be much more enjoyable—for both of you.
Rather than responding with a hesitant, "Well, you see, the truth is..." (which puts you in her frame), make it fun.
Remember: she's not looking for a list of facts when she asks these questions.
She's testing your confidence, how well you handle surprises, and how fun and attractive you are to be around.
Take the example from #3 above (about being alone).
Guys often give this explanation with a pleading or hopeful tone, trying to justify themselves to her.
But there's another way to say it – a flirty or fun way that works much better.
In fact, you can use this approach for all the examples:
FOR THE JOB QUESTION:
"Oh man, I've been looking, but it's like no one wants to hire me these days! Can you believe it?"
Say it with a playful tone, maybe a shrug or a smirk, and she'll likely ask, "So what have you been up to instead?"
In dating, keep it light, playful, and confident. It's not about giving explanations; it's about making her enjoy your company and feel attracted to you.
... And if your response is anything more exciting than "Waiting in the unemployment office line every morning" or "Going to every interview I can set up," you'll be in good shape.
The goal here is to steer away from the topic of jobs – which can be dull – and onto something more engaging, like the book you wrote or the new outdoor sport you've picked up with all your free time lately.
Another benefit of staying cool about it is that it shows this situation doesn't bother you.
If you explain yourself in a straightforward, factual way, it can make the issue seem more significant.
But if you smile, roll your eyes, and brush it off, it's clear you're not fazed by it.
Especially when it's something that would bother most guys – like explaining why you're single, jobless, alone, or where you're taking her – being nonchalant about the question earns you confidence points and keeps her intrigued.
Another tactic for handling these on-the-spot questions is to flip them back to her before you answer:
Her: "Wait, so you don't have a job?"
You: "Are you hiring? What's the pay and benefits like? I need to compare it with my other options."
Her: "No, I was just curious."
You: "I know, I'm joking. It's just a tough job market right now, and I'm taking my time. It's actually kind of refreshing after being in the grind since college."
By turning the question back to her, you can make most of these probing questions more playful:
Are you here by yourself?: "Are you trying to set me up with someone? Who are they and how fun are they? I've got to be careful who I hang out with, you know."
Why are you single?: "Is this an audition to be my girlfriend? Because I'm a bit selective. I need to get to know you first."
Avoid using this approach if she asks where you're going, as you don't want her changing your plans.
For questions where she's just probing and you're not leading somewhere specific, turning it back on her is often a fun way to shift the focus back (and sometimes she might even end up explaining herself – which can defuse tension quickly and keep things light).
In dating, keep it light, playful, and confident. It's about keeping her interested and enjoying your time together.
Her: Where are you taking me?
You: We're embarking on a voyage to the wilds of Africa. It's a mysterious journey where we'll uncover the unknown and claim our discoveries as our own.
If she plays along with the role-play, great! If not, you can tone it down while still keeping it fun:
Her: Where are we really going?
You: Let's take a short stroll and enjoy a nightcap together.
Her: Are we heading to your place?
You: It's a surprise. You're quite the detective, aren't you? Were you a super nerd in high school or something?
Her: Okay, fine. So what kind of nightcap are we having?
You: We could go for an exotic mixed drink, like a Blue Hawaii. How about one with a mini surfboard in it?
In the above conversation, she's looking for reassurance.
She wants to ensure the cool, fun, and flirty guy she met hasn't suddenly turned into someone else.
Giving her a logical explanation doesn't reassure her; it actually makes her feel uneasy because you've shifted from being fun and flirty to being rational and serious – you've changed.
Her questions are tests to see if you're still the same guy she was attracted to.
Therefore, the best response is one that maintains the playful and engaging tone she enjoyed when you first met.
TIMES IT'S OKAY TO EXPLAIN
There are times when it's alright to explain yourself, but here's how to do it effectively:
1. Animated Way: Explain things in a lively, fun manner where emotions take center stage. For example, when talking about job hunting, you could say, "Man, finding a job these days is like searching for a unicorn! It's tough out there!"
2. Irritated Way: Explain from a moral high ground, asserting your stance confidently. This approach suggests, "Look, I know I'm right, and I shouldn't have to explain this, but here's why..." It positions you as knowledgeable and assertive.
3. Calm Way: Use this sparingly, especially with men or rational women. Keep it factual and composed without getting emotional. Save this style for situations where a straightforward explanation is needed.
For women, aim for fun, flirty, animated, or occasionally irritated responses.
These engage them and convey confidence and charisma.
When dealing with men, opt for calm explanations to avoid bruising egos, unless you're asserting dominance or maintaining authority.
Avoid using overly casual or emotional responses with men who might perceive it as disrespectful.
Remember, communication over text can be tricky, so use clear language to ensure your tone and intentions come across correctly.
-MOS