Why Most Men Fail With Women (and Don’t Even Know It)
I used to think girls “just weren’t ready” for a guy like me. Turns out I was stuck in a trap most men never escape.
In 2008, I was a guy with average height, maybe a bit better-looking (💀) than most, skinny, and just starting to learn Game. That year, I started working at a tire shop.
There I met Jose, a short, chubby, dark-skinned Puerto Rican tire guy with a slightly high voice. He lived in a messy rented house that looked like it was only meant for wild parties.
Jose was the first man I ever met who was clearly a player.
He was always hooking up with pretty white girls like our boss’s tall, model-type cousin who came to visit from England (she was at least 7 inches taller than he was).
After going back to England, she sent him text after text saying she couldn’t sleep with her boyfriend anymore cos she only wanted Jose.
But Jose didn’t stop there. He kept seeing more new girls… even while he had a sweet blonde gf who used to bring him sandwiches at the shop.
At that time, I’d never even been on a date. Even though girls liked me back in high school, I had no clue what to say to them. I didn’t really feel jealous of Jose… more like amazed and confused.
How was he doing it?
What exactly was he doing to get all those girls?
I never asked him, because I was too proud to bring it up. And if I admitted I wasn’t good with girls, I thought I’d seem weak. (Even though he clearly figured that out right away)
But now, looking back, I can tell you the #1 difference between me at 18 and Jose at 25:
I had a bunch of limiting beliefs, and Jose didn’t have any.
WHAT’S A LIMITING BELIEF
A limiting belief is any thought or idea a person has that holds him back from doing something. These thoughts stop him from acting boldly, make him hesitate, or stop him from acting at all (“Why bother? It won’t work.”)
Almost every guy I coach shows up with at least a few.
Some of the most common ones are:
“I’m not good-looking enough to do well with girls.”
“I’m not tall enough to do well with girls.”
“I’m not rich enough to do well with girls.”
“I’m not important enough to do well with girls.”
“I’m too kind to do well with girls.”
“I’m too old to do well with girls.”
“I don’t have enough experience to do well with girls.”
“I’m not outgoing enough to do well with girls.”
“I’m the wrong skin color to do well with girls.”
There are tons of other smaller ones too, but you get the idea.
I wrote a short sample post about this just yesterday.
How Low Sample Size Thinking Keeps Men Struck
Any man who becomes somewhat social, somewhat charming, and halfway good at starting and finishing an interaction can still sleep with pretty hot girls now and then. Even if the rest of his skills and basics are messy.
I’ve seen it again, and again, and again.
Average social skills + average charm + able to start a convo + keeps trying to close = guy will get laid often, sometimes with very attractive girls.
One big issue for many men is that they’re working with too few experiences.
Meaning, they haven’t spoken to thousands of women (on apps or in person), haven’t gone on hundreds of dates, haven’t slept with hundreds of women. They’ve maybe talked to 20 or 30 women at most, gone on 5–10 dates, and had sex with a few.
They have no clue why the women who didn’t sleep with them said no, but since the brain doesn’t like not knowing, it “fills in the blanks” with its own guesses. Whatever these guys think they’re missing (good looks, height, money, status, charm, youth, etc.), that instantly becomes the “reason” they got rejected in their heads.
“She probably didn’t want me because I’m not X enough,” they think.
After thinking about it for a while, it turns from just a guess into something they’re sure is true.
Soon, if you talk to the guy, he knows why women turn him down.
It’s because he’s not X enough.
Then you tell him about guys who have even less X than he does, or show him those guys pulling girls, and his brain starts spinning like crazy.
HIM: “Well, that’s because that guy has ABC, and other things that help him.”
YOU: “Okay, but what about that guy over there? He also has way less X than you, but gets way more and hotter girls.”
HIM: “That’s because he has DEF other thing going for him!”
YOU: “Sounds like there are lots of things that could help someone do well with women. You could grow in X, or in ABC, or in DEF. Why not pick one and improve?”
HIM: “You don’t get it, I’m not X enough!” (hamster is back at the start of the wheel again)
The truth is, you almost never really know why a certain girl didn’t want you. If you talked to enough women, and slept with enough, and ask them questions after hooking up, you will slowly start to see more clearly how women choose men and why they lose interest in others.
But at the start, you’ll be really confused, because you’ll learn that women don’t seem to act the way you thought they would.
Then you’ll get even more confused, because you’ll find that different girls react in totally different ways to the same thing. Something that turns off one girl won’t even be noticed by another and might even excite a third.
After a while, you’ll stop caring about all those surface-level doubts most guys hold on to.
You’ll see that most of them are just stories guys make up to feel better about the weird feeling of not knowing. You’ll learn that when you’ve had tons of experiences talking to and sleeping with women, many of the things men assume matter a lot actually don’t. And some things they never even think about end up mattering way more.
But you can’t really learn all this unless you go through it yourself.
That makes the limiting beliefs problem a bit of a trap:
If it takes lots of good experiences with girls to finally crush your limiting beliefs, but those same beliefs are what stop you from getting those experiences… how do you break the cycle?
BREAKING THE LOOP OF YOUR LIMITING BELIEFS