Reader Question: How Do I Know What’s Actually Me?
A paid sub sent this in this week and it’s a good enough question that I’m making it the Sunday post instead of the tactical breakdown I had planned. His question, lightly edited:
Hey man, long time no talk. I’ve been busy with work so I thought I’d check in with a question for the Q&A or even an article if it warrants it: How do I know what’s me? In a frame sense, how do I know this is really what I want to do and be and I’m not LARPing or filing off my edges? I have the feeling I’m constantly monitoring subconsciously and therefore all I do is inauthentic. E.g. do I stare a guy down or do I nod and say hello, what is appropriate when? Or how much of a normie guy do you become to be more appealing to women, but then again you only want the women who really want the non-normie you, which I’ve had happen successfully, funnily enough during a time when I wasn’t precisely aware of all these dynamics?
This question sounds abstract but it’s actually one of the most practical things you’ll deal with in dating, because if you don’t figure it out you’ll just keep oscillating between trying too hard and checking out completely. Both of those produce the same outcome, which is women losing interest because they can sense neither version is the real you.
The short answer is that you know it’s actually you when you’re not performing for an outcome. If you’re staring a guy down because you think it makes you look alpha, that’s LARP. If you’re staring him down because something about his energy genuinely bothered you and you’re not going to pretend otherwise, that’s authentic. The behavior is identical. The frame underneath it is completely different, and women can read the difference even when they can’t articulate it.
