How To Be Desirable Without Being An Asshole

Some guys are just assholes. And they don’t mind it. They believe acting that way helps them get girls – they’ll say it’s way better than being the nice guy. And who can really argue? Nice guys always seem to lose.

Me? I nearly lost the best woman I’ve ever met before I even got the chance to date her – all because

A little over six years back, I did something really dumb and selfish on a first date with a girl I really liked. What I did isn’t the point, but I should say it felt small to me at the time, but it was huge to her. Because of it, she cut me off totally. No replies to calls or texts. No messages. Nothing. The only reason I was able to fix things was that we had both signed up for the same overseas tour, and I worked super hard during that trip to make things right with her.

If not for that trip we had both already paid for, where we had no choice but to be around each other for eight days, I don’t think I would’ve ever heard from her again. But somehow, I managed to fix a situation that was falling apart, and we ended up in an amazing 2 ½ year relationship with a woman who helped me grow more than I ever thought possible.

But because I was an asshole, I almost blew it. I came very close to missing that chance.

When guys begin learning how to attract women, they start to see just how bad their “nice guy” days were – back when they tried to please women, did everything for them, and let them walk all over them. Those days didn’t help at all. So, they swear to never be that way again and go the opposite way they turn into assholes.

And to be clear, an asshole has a way better chance of doing well with women than a nice guy ever does. An asshole isn’t weak or always trying to please – an asshole is someone women can tell values himself. If a woman had to choose between a guy who agrees with everything she says and bores her, or a guy who ignores her and mocks her but makes her feel something, most women will go for the second.

Assholes aren’t perfect, but they’re better than guys who are too nice. But many guys think being an asshole is the final goal. It’s not.

WHY MEN BECOME ASSHOLES

For a guy who’s learning how to get girls to like him and chase him, the big change he sees from acting like a asshole can feel amazing. He makes bold jokes and comments, acts like he doesn’t care about women, and acts like he’s the best thing to happen to women ever. He’s loud, proud, and full of himself – and out of nowhere, all those girls who ignored him before, when he was soft and always saying yes, suddenly start noticing him. It feels like he’s doing the impossible.

Being an asshole is usually an important step in learning how to deal with girls the right way. Unless a guy already has the perfect mindset when it comes to women and very few do – he’ll go through a stage where he acts rude, full of himself, and rough around the edges.

But the big issue is that many guys never move past the asshole stage. They keep acting cocky, selfish, and rude forever. They think it gets them okay results with women – so why bother changing?

THE AUTHENTIC MAN

There’s a different kind of man, not like nice guys or assholes. He’s kind and cares about people, but he’s also strong and doesn’t let others push him around. He has high self-worth and is very sure of what he can do, but he stays humble and shows his skill in quiet ways. He avoids showing off or trying to be the center of attention. Instead of acting needy like the nice guy or loud like the asshole, the authentic man gives off a feeling of calm, warmth, and quiet power.

Authentic men are very rare. If I had to guess how many men fall into each group, it’d look like this:

Nice Guys: 70%

Assholes: 27.5%

Authentic Men: 2.5%

That’s my rough guess, based on the men I meet. The number of nice guys might be even higher, many of them don’t go out much, so the guys I meet in the world are probably more of the bold, loud types. But to give a rough idea, these numbers are close enough.

Also, keep in mind that within these three groups, not every man is good with women. So some assholes are bad at dating. And some authentic men are real in who they are, but don’t really understand women.

But if you take one asshole and one authentic man, and they both have the same level of skill with women, the authentic man almost always comes out on top.

Why?

Because the authentic man has all the strong points of the jerk, and none of the weak ones.

LETTING GO OF THE ASSHOLE

Being an asshole can be kind of addicting. It makes you feel strong—most people (nice guys and many women) back down when they deal with a asshole. And those who don’t (real men, strong women, and stronger assholes) are easy to brush off. Whatever, who cares about that person? I’ve got plenty of other people who like me!

But when you look closely at how assholes act, you’ll see a lot of what they do (like bragging, showing off, trying to make others look weak or small, trying to look higher than others). Also, they’re not very smooth in social settings (like coming in with way too much energy for a chill group, or forcing a topic in a talk that’s heading somewhere else). Assholes have big gaps in how they deal with others.

Also, assholes are kind of a turn-off to people who are more experienced and socially sharp. The best and most successful people in society tend to avoid them. Polite, high-level social groups don’t like assholes. They don’t last long there. They’ll do better than soft nice guys, but not by a lot.

The problem with assholes is the same problem nice guys have: they’re both at the far ends. Nice guys let others walk all over them; assholes always try to control or boss others around.

Authentic men, though, guide the people and world around them in a calm but strong way. They go for what they want without crushing others. They care about how others feel and try to build strong, friendly ties. While assholes rush to show off and often walk all over people, authentic men prefer to let others praise them or lift them up. While assholes work hard to climb higher in social rank, authentic men reach out and help others climb up too.

Here are some habits to watch for that are classic signs of being a asshole. If you notice these in yourself, I strongly suggest you work hard to get rid of them:

• Being inconsiderate. Do you take a phone call right in the middle of a close one-on-one talk? Do you text while someone’s talking to you and it’s just you two? Do you stop paying attention when someone’s sharing something that matters to them? Do you forget to thank people when they do nice things for you? All of these are signs that you’re not thinking about others, and you should work on changing them if they show up.

• Showing off. Do you ever say something that could come across as, “My thing is bigger / better / more valuable than his / hers / theirs”? If yes, then you’re showing off – stop doing that. Women are much more drawn to men who naturally give off value (focus on improving your basics) than guys who feel the need to talk about how great they are.

• Being cold. Do people ever say you’re selfish? It usually doesn’t depend on how much you give – it depends on how freely you give what you give. A man who gives a little but gives it gladly is seen as much warmer and kinder than a man who gives a lot but does it like it’s a big burden.

These three tips should help you get started on the right path. Just remember – being a asshole is only a stage on the way to success. Too many guys get stuck thinking it’s the end goal. But it’s not.

You want to become an authentic man. Women will like you more, and even chase you more than you’d believe, once you reach that real man level. And if I had to say exactly how I saved things with that amazing woman when everything was falling apart four years ago, I wouldn’t say I became a nice guy again, or that I won even though I was being an asshole. I’d say that during that trip to another country, I learned how to become enough of an authentic man to win her back – and from that moment on, I was finally free to start an amazing new journey with an amazing woman.

Being authentic totally beats being a asshole.

-MOS